THREE

Three, 3, Tres, Trio, Third

This number torments me.

3 rows of seats in my car
3 Musketeers
3 times a charm
3
3
3

I want a third baby SOOOOOO badly. SOOOOOOO Badly! I have ALWAYS wanted 3 kids. ALWAYS.
I get INSANELY jealous when I see families of 5. Not families of 3, or 4. If you have a 3rd kid, I'm jealous :( If you have a husband that WANTS a 3rd kid, I'm SO jealous.
Sadly, my dear sweet husband has only ever wanted 2. We have one of each he says. What more could you want? A THIRD!
I don't want to change diapers again he says - Seriously? I change diapers all day long!
But the kids are so much easier now, why would you want to start all over? "HULLO! Me - pregnant for almost 3 straight years that are now almost completely a blur!?!"
The kids want another baby in the house too. "One we can KEEP!" they say
Lacie has been asking for a baby sister since she was 2 and 3 of her lil girlfriends got baby sisters ALL at the same time.
Tonight I was holding a friend's lil 1 month old. She felt SOOOO good! And Colby was being SO sweet with her! I asked him if he would like to have a baby sister and he said "Yes THIS one"
haha sweet boy, if only it were THAT easy.
My husband had the lil snip snip procedure done before Colby had even turned 1. I remember the night before how sad I was. David said to me "If you don't want this I won't do it" I KNOW I was sleep deprived. I remember how torn I felt, scared to have another so close, scared about money, scared about my marriage, scared about my skills as a mother. I was 23, he was 26. WOW. :(
David has always given me pretty much WHATEVER I want. Within his means of course. And he REALLY only wants 2. But I REALLY only want 3. How do we fix this?
He finally said it tonight,
"Just do it. Find out how much it's going to cost, what will we need to do. Do it"
Not "Yes honey I want to expand our family" Not "Gee babe it'd sure be nice to have another lil one around"
But does that mean I shouldn't go for it?
I really feel he'd love and enjoy a new addition to our family. But what if he doesn't? What if he resents me or worse the baby? I don't think I could live with that.
But I WANT A THIRD BABY/KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Have Been Blessed

You know that Martina McBride song?

I have been blessed

And I feel like I've found my wayI thank God for all I've been given

At the end of every dayI have been blessed

With so much more than I deserve

To be here with the ones that love me

To love them so much it hurts

I have been blessed

That has become my mantra. It is so easy to focus on what I WANT, DON'T HAVE, or CAN'T HAVE. But by taking that route, I can so easily lose sight of what I DO have, what I don't deserve. It's true. I have been blessed!

Some of you may remember a post I made this past January about desperately wanting to have a third baby. When I wrote that post I was in a place that I had been burying myself deeper and deeper into since the previous January (2007) when a friend of mine (at the time) announced to me that she was pregnant with that 3rd child that both of us had so longed for. Both of our husband's had been against a 3rd, but unlike mine, hers hadn't had a vasectomy. So somehow she was able to convince her husband and low and behold she got what I wanted. The night she told me I had to sleep on the couch because I couldn't stand to be near this man, my husband, that would deny me my greatest wish. I cried myself to sleep that night. I could literally feel the EMPTINESS of my uterus. And to be honest I still can as I type this. I'm sure that sounds completely dramatic to some of you but it is the absolute truth.

So this hurting just grew and grew as I watched her belly grow and grow and it just WOULDN'T go away. I got lots of advice and had lots of talks with my husband. We came VERY close to starting the adoption process. I really can't tell you what it was that happened but somewhere along the way, over these past few months, I moved on. I wouldn't say I "gave up" or "got over it". I still wish that we were a family of 5. I still regret David having a vasectomy. I just really wish that we had had a third baby when Colby was younger. At the same time I wish for all these things, I KNOW that we did what we did the best we could. I know my husband gives me the things that I want if it is in his power to do so. Why shouldn't I do the same for him? And ya know what? I've been able to see what I DO have! Like a husband that loves me and takes care of us. Two amazingly beautiful children that are almost perfectly healthy and almost always well behaved :)

This past month I have experienced two breakthroughs in these feelings of mine. I had another dear friend announce that she was pregnant and for the first time in my ENTIRE life (well since I was about 15, seriously) I was NOT jealous! Of course I would be beyond ecstatic if I were to find out that I was pregnant but for once that wasnt my FIRST thought. It was a really nice feeling lemme tell you!

The second thing that happened was, I started my period (sorry TMI) and I didn't immediately feel depressed that I wasn't pregnant. This hasn't happened in a VERY long time!

So, while I still relish the possibility of a 3rd child someway somehow making its way into our lives - we know about 5 other men that have miraculously fathered children 7-8 years AFTER their vasectomy (we're on year 4 hehehe) - it does not consume my every waking moment and it doesn't send me into a depression or give me feelings of resentment towards my husband. More importantly it does not keep me from seeing what's right in front of me. What I am so BLESSED to have!

Getting Deep On Ya...

Many of you know about my hunger for a third child for our family. I've definitely come a long way with these feelings but they are still there. I can't help but pray anxiously every month that the dreaded dot won't show, and every month I'm disappointed. And rightfully so, I mean it would be a HUGE miracle if I were to pop up pregnant. Not that those haven't been known to happen but I am just trying to be real with myself here. So in all these prayers for another baby - some how some way - I've also been praying that if it's not meant to be that I would find peace in it. I KNOW that I am blessed, I KNOW that I have more wonderful things in my life than some, and it's definitely enough. So I'm getting there. :)
Just about everytime that I start wishing to be a "Mother of 3" again a thought flitters across my mind....

"You ARE a mother of 3"

What? Who said that? I am a mother of 2 (darlings might I add) that WANTS to be a Mother of 3.

"No, YOU ARE A MOTHER OF 3"

I can literally feel my uterus tightening as I think these thought and type these words.

In February of 2001 I became pregnant for the first time in my life. We had been actively trying and another couple that we were close to had just announced their pregnancy a month before. We were ecstatic! I was sick at work and my mom said "YAY You're sick!" :)
In March we celebrated our first anniversary at Disneyland for 3 days and I happily obstained from all the fun rides. We came home and went to our first little appointment which included lots of bloodwork.
Then I got a call from my ob/gyn. "Your numbers look a little funny. Come in for another blood test please."
I had several blood tests over several days and finally a pelvic ultrasound. My first ultrasound ever. (Pelvically - not as fun as on the belly!)
David held my hand and my doctor took his time examining. Searchind is more like it. Searching for what wasn't there.
A heartbeat.
A viable pregnancy.

I was devastated. I was convinced it was my fault and that I would never have the children I so desperately wanted. I practically blacked out in the parking lot. My poor husband, I was so blind to HIS pain. Until I heard him crying too.

Within a few days I started spotting. It was like a slap in the face. I had SO wanted them to be WRONG. But there was no denying it and I went in for a D&C.
They said it was a blighted ovum. The baby stops developing but the body & placenta continue on as if there is still a pregnancy.
I was between 8 and 9 weeks. Many people didn't even know we were pregnant yet.
I was told that it wasn't even really a baby that was lost.
I don't believe that for one second.
It was my baby. Our baby. My first.
And that would make me a MOTHER OF 3.

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day