Thursday, May 1, 2008

I Have Been Blessed

You know that Martina McBride song?

I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my wayI thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every dayI have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

That has become my mantra. It is so easy to focus on what I WANT, DON'T HAVE, or CAN'T HAVE. But by taking that route, I can so easily lose sight of what I DO have, what I don't deserve. It's true. I have been blessed!
Some of you may remember a post I made this past January about desperately wanting to have a third baby. When I wrote that post I was in a place that I had been burying myself deeper and deeper into since the previous January (2007) when a friend of mine (at the time) announced to me that she was pregnant with that 3rd child that both of us had so longed for. Both of our husband's had been against a 3rd, but unlike mine, hers hadn't had a vasectomy. So somehow she was able to convince her husband and low and behold she got what I wanted. The night she told me I had to sleep on the couch because I couldn't stand to be near this man, my husband, that would deny me my greatest wish. I cried myself to sleep that night. I could literally feel the EMPTINESS of my uterus. And to be honest I still can as I type this. I'm sure that sounds completely dramatic to some of you but it is the absolute truth.
So this hurting just grew and grew as I watched her belly grow and grow and it just WOULDN'T go away. I got lots of advice and had lots of talks with my husband. We came VERY close to starting the adoption process. I really can't tell you what it was that happened but somewhere along the way, over these past few months, I moved on. I wouldn't say I "gave up" or "got over it". I still wish that we were a family of 5. I still regret David having a vasectomy. I just really wish that we had had a third baby when Colby was younger. At the same time I wish for all these things, I KNOW that we did what we did the best we could. I know my husband gives me the things that I want if it is in his power to do so. Why shouldn't I do the same for him? And ya know what? I've been able to see what I DO have! Like a husband that loves me and takes care of us. Two amazingly beautiful children that are almost perfectly healthy and almost always well behaved :)
This past month I have experienced two breakthroughs in these feelings of mine. I had another dear friend announce that she was pregnant and for the first time in my ENTIRE life (well since I was about 15, seriously) I was NOT jealous! Of course I would be beyond ecstatic if I were to find out that I was pregnant but for once that wasnt my FIRST thought. It was a really nice feeling lemme tell you!
The second thing that happened was, I started my period (sorry TMI) and I didn't immediately feel depressed that I wasn't pregnant. This hasn't happened in a VERY long time!
So, while I still relish the possibility of a 3rd child someway somehow making its way into our lives - we know about 5 other men that have miraculously fathered children 7-8 years AFTER their vasectomy (we're on year 4 hehehe) - it does not consume my every waking moment and it doesn't send me into a depression or give me feelings of resentment towards my husband. More importantly it does not keep me from seeing what's right in front of me. What I am so BLESSED to have!


Dee said...

You truly are blessed Katie.

I am glad you are starting to feel better about the 3rd baby thing. I remember sitting in you apartment when you were telling me about it and how sad you sounded. And like you and David are only on year 4 who knows what the futures holds. You may conceive still or who knows you all may decide to adopt in the future. Either way you have 2 wonderful kids and a great husband.

StepheLynne said...

Beautifully written and touching, Katie.

Anonymous said...

Katie: Thanks for the comment on my blog. Your kids are very beautiful. I think more people should find your wisdom and appreciate all the things they do have in life.

To answer your question, yes my dad has (or had)bladder cancer. I'm sorry to hear that your father-in-law was diagnosed with the same. I say my dad "had" bladder cancer because he had surgery on 4/11 to remove his bladder and the doctors created something called a neobladder out of a pice of his intestine. TMI, I'm sorry but its amazing what they can do. If you want to ask me about anything related to bladder cancer, email me at i've done plenty of research. Good luck to your father in law!

P.S. I am so jealous of your gorgeous scarpbooks! :)

Megan said...

I'm so happy to see you happy!!! I hope that I can take some of your inspiration and remeber my blessings! thanks for the reminder!