Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Getting Deep On Ya...

Many of you know about my hunger for a third child for our family. I've definitely come a long way with these feelings but they are still there. I can't help but pray anxiously every month that the dreaded dot won't show, and every month I'm disappointed. And rightfully so, I mean it would be a HUGE miracle if I were to pop up pregnant. Not that those haven't been known to happen but I am just trying to be real with myself here. So in all these prayers for another baby - some how some way - I've also been praying that if it's not meant to be that I would find peace in it. I KNOW that I am blessed, I KNOW that I have more wonderful things in my life than some, and it's definitely enough. So I'm getting there. :)
Just about everytime that I start wishing to be a "Mother of 3" again a thought flitters across my mind....

"You ARE a mother of 3"

What? Who said that? I am a mother of 2 (darlings might I add) that WANTS to be a Mother of 3.


I can literally feel my uterus tightening as I think these thought and type these words.

In February of 2001 I became pregnant for the first time in my life. We had been actively trying and another couple that we were close to had just announced their pregnancy a month before. We were ecstatic! I was sick at work and my mom said "YAY You're sick!" :)
In March we celebrated our first anniversary at Disneyland for 3 days and I happily obstained from all the fun rides. We came home and went to our first little appointment which included lots of bloodwork.
Then I got a call from my ob/gyn. "Your numbers look a little funny. Come in for another blood test please."
I had several blood tests over several days and finally a pelvic ultrasound. My first ultrasound ever. (Pelvically - not as fun as on the belly!)
David held my hand and my doctor took his time examining. Searchind is more like it. Searching for what wasn't there.
A heartbeat.
A viable pregnancy.

I was devastated. I was convinced it was my fault and that I would never have the children I so desperately wanted. I practically blacked out in the parking lot. My poor husband, I was so blind to HIS pain. Until I heard him crying too.

Within a few days I started spotting. It was like a slap in the face. I had SO wanted them to be WRONG. But there was no denying it and I went in for a D&C.
They said it was a blighted ovum. The baby stops developing but the body & placenta continue on as if there is still a pregnancy.
I was between 8 and 9 weeks. Many people didn't even know we were pregnant yet.
I was told that it wasn't even really a baby that was lost.
I don't believe that for one second.
It was my baby. Our baby. My first.
And that would make me a MOTHER OF 3.

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day


See Sherm Blog said...

This was heart wrenching to read. I feel for your loss and I don't understand why good people have to feel this much pain.

I'm glad that there is a day like today... for all of us to remember the heartache that some women have had to go through.

I read this this morning... and thought about you all day today. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

i feel the same way...as soon as you find out you're pregnant, it your baby...and i am so sorry :(

Cosmo Mom said...

HUG my friend!!! Your amazing! and this was beautifully written!

Talia said...

I'm so sorry you had to experience this, even if it was years ago.

I have never experienced a miscarriage, but some of my closest friends have, and it is so true-- no matter if it is at 6 weeks or 18 weeks, or whenever-- that is a baby, YOUR baby, and that's why it is so sad.

A beautiful post. :)