Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I need you to need me, I want you to want me

The theme song to my latest & somewhat recurring pity party.
I have this NEED in me for people to NEED me in return. For people to seek me out. For people to be concerned with MY feelings.
Not that I don't get that at all, cause I do, just not from certain people.
And not that I want it to be ALLLLLL about me, cause I don't. That's selfish, and I despise selfishness.
See this is where I get into the wah wah wah boohoohoo poor poor me. BLECH!!
I don't mean to come across that way. And I guess really I just need to put my feelings out there for documentation purposes instead of for being approved.

It bothers me when I don't get comments, on blogs, on myspace, on pictures, on a new hair do or outfit. How sick is that. I mean really, who do I think I am right?
So I decided that I'm blogging for ME, to document my life and to help me out a lil bit when and if I ever get around to scrapbooking.

It bothers me when people make plans with me and then flake out. But I do the same thing. Sick.

It bothers me when I go out of my way to help people, or be there for them, etc. but they don't return the favor. But shouldn't I be doing those things without expecting anything in return?

It bothers me that I hold onto things for SOOOOOO long that I have no control over. Why do I so desperately wish these people were still my friends when obviously they're not really that good of friends otherwise we'd still be friends!?! Did that make sense to anyone?

It bothers me that I am raising my children in today's world, putting them at risk to have to experience these feelings of abandonment, feelings of not being needed or wanted, feelings of no one caring. I wish I could rescue them from all of that. I certainly hope that I never make them feel that way!


Colleen Sherman said...

This hit home for me. Its like I could have written it myself. All of these things bother me too. The not getting enough comments, people flaking, people not appreciating when I go out of my way for them... and then me holding a grudge for a bit too long because they didn't appreciate me. So I don't know if that makes you feel better... but you're only human for feeling this way. Don't get down on yourself for having these feelings. If anything, it says a lot about you. You give so much and all you're asking for is the same in return. Holding people to the same expectations that you have set for yourself. And its frustrating and a let down when people don't.

Hang in there.

Cheeziemommie said...

It really means alot to hear my feelings be validated! And to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this. There's people that I've shared these feelings with that have totally made me feel self absorbed and whiny and that is SO not how I want to come across. So thank you! :)

Cosmo Mom said...

I think these things bother MOST people. Expecially when you go look at other people's blogs for example and they have like 20 comments on one haha. I think DANG! Guess i'm not good enough of a writer to leave a comment for. But I also think beacuse most people feel this way, people in general will say "well if they don't leave me comments then I won't leave them comments" Which really is so juvenile. BUT non the less it's probably true. So even tho thats how you feel, others may feel the same way about you if your not commenting on their stuff that much which may be why they don't comment on yours? ohh I dunno. But your human and I think your feelings are totally normal. I'm sorry friend if I havnt commented enough on all your stuff, but if i must be honest i'm a wee bit behind. So i'm still diong catch up on your blogs! smooches!!

Cheeziemommie said...

The comment thing was probably the LEAST of my complaints on there. I know it's silly to want more comments LOL But don't feel like you have to apologize! I rarely comment on your stuff hahaha Mostly cause we always talk about it on the phone! I love you though! I'll call you in a lil bit!

Cosmo Mom said...

I guess I didn't comment on a whole lot of it did i. haha go figure.
I know what you mean about flaking out, I HATE that. And honestly I don't feel like i DO flake out on people, normally if I say i'll be there I will even if I have to drag ass to be there. BUT i'm so use to friends letting me down and flaking out that i've started to expect less, which really isn't good either. Beacuse well, I think i'm pretty Rad, and I think people are lucky to be my friend. HAHAHA, now how selfish does THAT sound? =) But it's true. hahaha.

Didn't you ever see the Friends episode where they talk about doing good deeds? about how people only do them to make them selfs feel better? we do nice things because they make us feel good, and we only hope that people will return the favor, but often times people are dissapointing, so I think we need to decide that we will be the better people and do them anyways. I don't think it's wrong to do something nice hopeing that the favor will be returned someday like that saying says "treat people how you want to be treated" I just don't think a lot of people follow this.

You do hold on to things and I still for the life of me don't know how to help you with that. YOu need to let go of people who aren't worth your time, people who you don't really miss, but miss who you wanted them or thought they were, you need to think highly enough of yourself to say to hell with them! THEY are the ones that are loosing out NOT me! And you can't say you feel that way or you wouldn't want to be their friends still so desperately.

As far as our children go, all we can do is what we can do. we can't shield them from the world, only be there when they are dissapointed and need somebody to lean on. As much as I want to protect them from everything I know that everything they experience will make them who they are meant to be. Every heart ache i've felt, has made me stronger and for every bad i've had, i've had far more joy, and your kids will too..because your their mom =)