Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings....

I am an emotional girl. I'm pretty sure it's hereditary. I don't think it's a bad thing. Well most of the time. I can get REALLY REALLY REALLY excited about something. So much so that it keeps me up at night. I can also get REALLY REALLY REALLY depressed about things. So much so that I have a perpetual upset stomach. And, of course, I can get REALLY REALLY REALLY angry about things.
This is where I am now.
I have MANY wonderful things in my life. I have a very large, wonderful family. An amazing husband that has been my constant partner on this emotional roller coaster ride for the past 8 years. And 2 beautiful children that are literally my dreams come true. I am also blessed to own such a beautiful, just right for us, home in a good, quiet neighborhood. I am blessed in knowing that we CAN afford this dream that seemed so far away at times.
So I am trying REALLY hard to focus on these wonderful things. It's not THAT hard to do. But I still have this HEAT in my heart. It has been there for almost a year now. It fires up at various moments. Mostly when the issue(s) at hand are brought up for discussion.
Last year, on my birthday and for a few months after. I was VERY deeply hurt by someone I thought was a very good friend. Her hurtful actions also caused me to lose another so-called friend. Major HEAT.
Then just when that fire was beginning to die out, a family member flipped out against me. Again, major heat.
Ya know that feeling when you so desperately need to defend yourself (because NO ONE else is) but can't? Or if you DO gather up the courage to defend yourself it is turned against you and YOU end up being the bad guy instead of the victim. And all the people that you think should be understanding of "your side" act understanding to your face and then continually cross over the enemy lines...
It's a NO win situation for me EVERY time.
Recently my anger has been rising and rising and rising. It is taking over my disposition towards my loved ones. It is keeping me from doing the things that I love. I KNOW that that is not OK, Yet I have just been letting the fire flow. I WANT to be angry. I want to hold on to it and feel it and dwell in it. I WANT to be MISERABLE????? hahaha that sounds SO ridiculous!
So lately, in my blog readings, or in quotes at the ends of emails I receive, little messages have been slapping me in the face.

From a message by Rev TD Jakes that was forwarded to me by someone who knows NOTHING of my issues -
"If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back,and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you .LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....LET IT GO!!!"

From one of my favorite Scrapbookers' blogs (Becky Higgins) -
So I'll leave you today with a thought: Are you upset with someone? (Don't tell me. It's just a rhetorical question.) Take a load off your shoulders and let go of unkind feelings. Just love that person. Life is too short.

Of course now that I want it I can't find the quote that just happened to appear at the bottom of a random email. Anyway it got to me too. I felt like these messages were coming at me from EVERYWHERE. Telling me to move on, which I was translating as GIVE UP! Seriously people? GOD!?!?!?! Are you listening? I JUST WANNA BE MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As silly as that sounds! I KNOW it's wrong! I KNOW it's not helping anything! I KNOW there's nothing I can do to change my situation. I KNOW!

Sorry about the long rambling/whining/complaining. I don't' even know if any of that was coherent. But it actually did help to type it all out, Maybe this is the first step of me letting go. Well if you made it this far - THANKS for reading! :) Feel free to comment on my craziness!


StepheLynne said...

Uh...OK. I have no idea what happened, obviously, but I think the "rambling/whining/complaining" blog was probably a good start for dealing with some of the things that have been heating you up!

The part I'm wondering about is "that feeling when you so desperately need to defend yourself (because NO ONE else is) but can't...you end up being the bad guy instead of the victim."

I have 4 questions:
1. Why is it that nobody else is defending you?
2. Why is it that you can't defend yourself?
3. Why is it that you want so badly to hold onto the anger?

and 4. (This one might offend, which is not my intention because I really have no idea what's going on, but think about for awhile before going on defense mode.) Are you really the victim and not the bad guy?

Maybe you want to hold on to the anger because to let it go would be to admit you were wrong. Maybe people are understanding to your face because they really understand your point, but maybe they understand the other side of the story, too, and aren't crossing enemy lines just to be hurtful, but because the line isn't so clearly drawn from their point of view.

**Disclaimer: I admit, again, that I have no idea what's going on. I'm writing this hoping to help you, NOT to hurt you in ANY way. These are just some things to think about! Please don't feel like I'm asking you to defend yourself to me. I pass no judgment! In fact, if I was there, and you were right, I'd defend you!! :)

Cheeziemommie said...

Stephenie - thank for you advice :) I know you said I don't NEED to defend myself to you but here are my answers to your questions :)
1) Those that aren't defending me, or that aren't defending me "enough", seem to be trying to not upset the other parties involved, even though I feel that MY feelings should be their priority.
2) I feel like I can't defend myself at times because I feel it doesn't matter WHAT I say or do, I still end up the bitch/crybaby.
3)It's almost like I want to hold on to the anger UNTIL the issue resolved? LIke UNTIL someone else makes it right? Not necessarily until the persons involved APOLOGIZE, but more like when I'm defended "properly"? But really who knows WHY it's pretty silly to make myself miserable! :)
4)I have had this asked of me before, in regards to BOTH situations. I have asked myself this SEVERAL times. In these two specific instances I do not believe that I am truly being the bad guy. I have been attacked verbally, to my face AND behind my back. My children have been brought up. Lies have been told about me and my children. And I have been repeatedly excluded from things that I otherwise would have had a part of. All because of what? I can't come up with ONE thing that I have done wrong. Seriously if anyone is reading this that can tell me, please do. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong and trying to rectify a situation. In fact I am often caught trying to make things better even with people that have repeatedly hurt me.
And really I'm not expecting ANYONE to choose SIDES cause there should BE sides. I just want what's right and true to be what people see and believe in, not what's fake and unkind.
Make any sense? Or am I really crazy :)

StepheLynne said...

This all makes sense. You're sane! Except for the wanting to be angry part, but even that was well-explained. :)

Cosmo Mom said...

I'm sorry friend. I understand the wanting to stay mad. I know your not mad every second of every day. But I think when you do get mad again about the siuations it's because if your not mad, and you forgive and forget, it's like your being defeated. Like somebody did you wrong and YOU had to be the one to move on, you had to be the one to make it right. So i get it. Just think to yourself if it's worth it. I'm not saying you need to reconsile a friendship (with you know who) but just to let go of it so you can move on, you will be so much better off when it's all just the past. Dont let it be apart of any of your future, she's not worth it. as for the other thing, that is harder because she's family and you can't just write off family (well i know you could her haha but not who they are attatched to *wink*) But again, think of you, think how much happier you would be if you could just let it go. I'm sorry friend, i'm not sure if this mad any sence either. I kinda feel like i'm rambling like you feel like you did. hahaha