I need you to need me, I want you to want me

The theme song to my latest & somewhat recurring pity party.
I have this NEED in me for people to NEED me in return. For people to seek me out. For people to be concerned with MY feelings.
Not that I don't get that at all, cause I do, just not from certain people.
And not that I want it to be ALLLLLL about me, cause I don't. That's selfish, and I despise selfishness.
See this is where I get into the wah wah wah boohoohoo poor poor me. BLECH!!
I don't mean to come across that way. And I guess really I just need to put my feelings out there for documentation purposes instead of for being approved.

It bothers me when I don't get comments, on blogs, on myspace, on pictures, on a new hair do or outfit. How sick is that. I mean really, who do I think I am right?
So I decided that I'm blogging for ME, to document my life and to help me out a lil bit when and if I ever get around to scrapbooking.

It bothers me when people make plans with me and then flake out. But I do the same thing. Sick.

It bothers me when I go out of my way to help people, or be there for them, etc. but they don't return the favor. But shouldn't I be doing those things without expecting anything in return?

It bothers me that I hold onto things for SOOOOOO long that I have no control over. Why do I so desperately wish these people were still my friends when obviously they're not really that good of friends otherwise we'd still be friends!?! Did that make sense to anyone?

It bothers me that I am raising my children in today's world, putting them at risk to have to experience these feelings of abandonment, feelings of not being needed or wanted, feelings of no one caring. I wish I could rescue them from all of that. I certainly hope that I never make them feel that way!

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings....

I am an emotional girl. I'm pretty sure it's hereditary. I don't think it's a bad thing. Well most of the time. I can get REALLY REALLY REALLY excited about something. So much so that it keeps me up at night. I can also get REALLY REALLY REALLY depressed about things. So much so that I have a perpetual upset stomach. And, of course, I can get REALLY REALLY REALLY angry about things.
This is where I am now.
I have MANY wonderful things in my life. I have a very large, wonderful family. An amazing husband that has been my constant partner on this emotional roller coaster ride for the past 8 years. And 2 beautiful children that are literally my dreams come true. I am also blessed to own such a beautiful, just right for us, home in a good, quiet neighborhood. I am blessed in knowing that we CAN afford this dream that seemed so far away at times.
So I am trying REALLY hard to focus on these wonderful things. It's not THAT hard to do. But I still have this HEAT in my heart. It has been there for almost a year now. It fires up at various moments. Mostly when the issue(s) at hand are brought up for discussion.
Last year, on my birthday and for a few months after. I was VERY deeply hurt by someone I thought was a very good friend. Her hurtful actions also caused me to lose another so-called friend. Major HEAT.
Then just when that fire was beginning to die out, a family member flipped out against me. Again, major heat.
Ya know that feeling when you so desperately need to defend yourself (because NO ONE else is) but can't? Or if you DO gather up the courage to defend yourself it is turned against you and YOU end up being the bad guy instead of the victim. And all the people that you think should be understanding of "your side" act understanding to your face and then continually cross over the enemy lines...
It's a NO win situation for me EVERY time.
Recently my anger has been rising and rising and rising. It is taking over my disposition towards my loved ones. It is keeping me from doing the things that I love. I KNOW that that is not OK, Yet I have just been letting the fire flow. I WANT to be angry. I want to hold on to it and feel it and dwell in it. I WANT to be MISERABLE????? hahaha that sounds SO ridiculous!
So lately, in my blog readings, or in quotes at the ends of emails I receive, little messages have been slapping me in the face.

From a message by Rev TD Jakes that was forwarded to me by someone who knows NOTHING of my issues -
"If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back,and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you .LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....LET IT GO!!!"

From one of my favorite Scrapbookers' blogs (Becky Higgins) -
So I'll leave you today with a thought: Are you upset with someone? (Don't tell me. It's just a rhetorical question.) Take a load off your shoulders and let go of unkind feelings. Just love that person. Life is too short.

Of course now that I want it I can't find the quote that just happened to appear at the bottom of a random email. Anyway it got to me too. I felt like these messages were coming at me from EVERYWHERE. Telling me to move on, which I was translating as GIVE UP! Seriously people? GOD!?!?!?! Are you listening? I JUST WANNA BE MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As silly as that sounds! I KNOW it's wrong! I KNOW it's not helping anything! I KNOW there's nothing I can do to change my situation. I KNOW!

Sorry about the long rambling/whining/complaining. I don't' even know if any of that was coherent. But it actually did help to type it all out, Maybe this is the first step of me letting go. Well if you made it this far - THANKS for reading! :) Feel free to comment on my craziness!